I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. (Yeah, I know. I can hear my sibs saying, "don't hurt yourself, there").  It's almost been a re-evaluation of what I know to be true.  Well... let me take that back. Not so much what  I know to be true,  but how it applies these days.  How do the truths I know are true from life experience and from training and study apply to me where I am?

I haven't come up with anything earth-shattering yet.  Mainly, it's a slow process, thinking through things as they cross my mind. Our ideas about 'church' were just the first part of the process, I think.  When you reconsider things you've thought were true forever and thought wouldn't change, it makes you take a good hard look at  everything else. 

There are basic truths I know to be solid, real, and forever.  Those things, very basic though they be, are what I'm working from. However, I've seen that many people who believe those same core things believe a myriad of different other things, sometimes different at different points in their lives.  (You know, the whole "different river" argument.)  Maybe there won't be anything that makes me completely twirl around in circles and redesign everything, but it's sure an interesting experience. 

I don't think I'm doing the unnecessary here.  I think it's something that everyone, no matter what their core beliefs are, should do from time to time.  Heck, you may even find a reason to change the core somewhat.  But 'I know in Whom I have believed', and that's enough for me. 

Who knows where this will lead, but it's happening. 

---

In other news, I am a little annoyed at the pharmacy we went to today. I got a ride to Wal*Mart and got Will's medication, and they only had four doses of it.  Told me to come back for more tomorrow.  I tried to explain that I'd really rather come on the weekend when my husband could take us, but that wasn't happening. So, I'm pretty sure they were completely out or something. I can't think of another reason to put us off like that. 

Tomorrow, I am taking Anna to the preschool to see if she needs speech therapy like Will. She has much better speech than he, but her rs are nonexistent, as are the s' in the prefix blends. "Star", therefore, turns out to be "tah."   I think she'd benefit from the school environment in other ways, as well. She'd learn to speak up around others outside her family and she'd learn to take turns. Or learn that every other preschooler wants a turn to be 'first'.  (That's been her big thing lately.  "I be fuhst.") 

It's kind of silly, but I've been playing FF8 again, trying to beat it, and this time through, I've been near tears several times thinking about the implications of the storyline.  Things like their discovery of who raised them and all that entails, as well as the convoluted relationships between Squall and Riona and those closest to them.  (I have a theory on that one, but I don't want to spoil the storyline for anyone who cares, so I'll keep it to myself. However, it makes for an almost soap-opera like mess.)
I've been enjoying it, though, so I guess that's a good thing. 

I switched from Firefox to Opera recently. I still use Firefox for a few things, but Opera is handling things more quickly and efficiently.  I don't know what the problem is with Firefox lately, but I haven't been exceedingly happy with it.  So, I put Opera as default and just switch over for those things I need. I don't like that it doesn't have a good "delicious" widget, but maybe the "opera link" will do what the other will. I dunno. 

So much crap running through my head, so I figured I'd put it down. 

( Yeah, it's long enough to merit a cut.  )

You know, I lead an interesting life. Sometimes, it's more like that old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times', but at least it's interesting. I've been battling off and on with one form of colds flu and other viral stuff for about three weeks. I haven't made it to church in a couple weeks. The last time I went, I was lay leader, and I went, but R was sick. So, that was kind of frustrating.  I'm dealing with having my social interaction being mostly in front of this screen, because I hadn't been able to go even to church.  Then, a windstorm struck, making our telephone go out, and our internet brown out during RP (Which by the way is extremely annoying when that's a major part of the interaction you're getting).   Part of me was afraid we'd missed a bill or they'd not sent it like the water company a couple weeks back, so R went to the office yesterday to find out.  Apparently, 75% of the town was having some sort of problems with the telephone.  Don't know why it freaked me out so much, other than it being my lifeline in case of emergency, and the possibility of other factors (like I had a fever at the time).  Even though it was R's day off.   Dunno. Weird.  So, then, today, my mother calls, and it rings.  The silly thing being, she wasn't trying to call me, she was trying to call my little sister. I think.  But, since she had me on the line, she says, Oh, we're going to try to get the whole family together over Memorial Day weekend since both she and Dad are turning 65 this year. Hopefully we can make that. I would love for the kids to actually get to see their cousins again. 

I started going to handbells on Tuesday nights.  Our new director is awesome. I understand that the ones we had before were pretty good, but they were used to dealing with folks who'd done this since they were my age, and now are all retired. So, having new blood in the group was kind of disconcerting for all of us.  The new director, being new, started from scratch, and said, "I don't know how you did it before, but this is how we're going to do it now." And that helped, because I needed some of those fundamentals.  I'm playing middle C and the B just below it (and all accidentals) and actually had a good practice.  Not perfect, but it was much better, I was better relaxed and so on. The director is even going to be the one to come get me every week so that I can actually get there. Now, just to make sure R remembers to get the car seats. (Although, maybe she wouldn't mind getting them since she has quite a bit of spare time, anyway.  She stays at the church between 5-6, so it's not a problem for her to come get us.) 

My children are hilarious.  For example, my daughter is standing here in a red and white Hawaiian shirt and pink, white-fur-lined boots.  She's handing me random things that remind me of Thadd talking about his dog.  Toys and such.  Then, she says, "Here go, Mama."  Just as cute as can be.    Will has a Winne-the-Pooh cake topper from a cake he had when he was small, and Roo is getting stuck in the tree.  (he's in a swing, being wrapped around.)  Anna has learned to say  "William" instead of just 'Will' but it sounds more like Will-wum.  I love my kids, even when they annoy the goobers out of me.

I'm designing my first ever D & D campaign.  The two players I have to work with are old hats, and are willing to have some strange plots thrown on them. So, I'm designing a game around Torchwood (The tv show).  They will be a team sort of guarding a rift, and each will have some weird thing they have to deal with during the campaign. I won't talk about that here, just in the long shot that my beloved husband decides to read this. He hasn't yet, but it could happen. :D 

There's going to be an art show at the church starting in the next couple of weeks, and I made a piece for it. I just hope it turns out as well printed out as it looks on screen.  Then, I have to set it up and find a way to display it. Heh. First time for that.

Here's something I found while reading my RSS feeds.   Are the family clichés true?  It's about birth order and stuff. It's pretty good.

Things are going interestingly.  Today, I feel like I'm swimming up a strong river with only short arms and poor legs or something.  Apparently, this is part of some of my girl stuff, so it's not unusual, but not fun, either. 
Of course this stuff is happening this week.  Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Thursday noon (MST) R and I will be making a presentation at a pastor's luncheon.   We've had so many "Divine Appointments" (to slip into YWAM slang) about this that it's downright crazy.  I'm going to have to completely trust Him for this week, because if today's any example, it's not going to be me one bit. So, those of you praying folks... yeah, you know.  

I've been having some interesting dreams.  Last night, I dreamed the four of us (my family) moved into a small apartment. It had two bedrooms (one for the kids with bunk bed with pink blankets and one for R and I) I saw all the shelves, all the closets and everything. Just a really, really strange dream. 

We had our gamer buddy over last night, and another friend showed up. That was kinda fun.  I tried to get the other guy laughing about some stuff, because he's had a rough week. I hope it helped.  

I'm still feeling like something is emerging in me.  Perhaps it will be discovered through what I initiated Thursday.  I went to talk to the Pastor about the stuff we've been doing for this ministry, and also mentioned that I'm interested in possibly furthering my education and certification in ministry.   So, I got the starter book from him.  There were some interesting ideas in there. One sounds really good. I don't know what all the requirements are, because the book was a little sketchy.  I think I'm going to check it out. It can't hurt though. 

I was Lay Leader Sunday morning, and I think I did better this time than I did last time. I was more aware of what I was doing, and didn't forget part of it.  The passage I read was long, but I did alright.  Then, after that, we did a presentation in Sunday School for our class about the ministry we're looking into. I was nervous, unsure it was the right time for it. But R did most of the talking, and it turned out wonderfully.

Saturday night, we went out on what they call "The Full Moon Walk" at our local Zoo.  They stay open a couple hours later, letting people in for the first half hour, and station people along the route with red covered flashlights and directions (because the route is different) That was a lot of fun. I asked Will if he enjoyed himself, and he says:  "Yes and no."  R stopped to talk to some people, and apparently, that took too long for him.

Longer than I expected. Lot going on, I guess. 

I went to go get ready to take a shower, much needed, I might add, and my son stuck his middle finger (of course) inside the hole of a christmas tree rod (a fake tree, the center rod thing.) Luckily, MIL was a nurse, so she just grabbed some ice, and put it on quickly. It came out, but kids have a way of giving you a near heart attack.

We finally got the new computer. It's an HP Paviliaon a1219h....whatever that means. It's fairly good, and since it was pre-leased (aka R picked it up for a song because someone else couldn't pay it off) it still has XP. Mixed feelings about that. I kinda wanted to see the pretties with Vista, but people say it's not world-ready yet, so eh.

We've spent the last week or more super sick. Yesterday was the first day since Saturday, maybe that I have eaten anything. Horrid cramping, and various and sundry other things happening when you eat, so you just don't. Anna's still a little grumpy from it.

I'm reading only non-ficton Christian books for Lent, and it's been interesting. God's teacxhing me a whole lot.

William came home from school Monday. "I be a chicken in circle time today, momma."
"Were you supposed to be a chicken?"
"No. My teacher say, 'no, no no!' "
"Please don't be a chicken in circle time, then."

Gotta love 3 year olds.
Heh.

This weekend was a disappointment to me. I know there really wasn't much I could do to do it differently but the nagging feeling remains.
R was told he'd have Saturday off, and then Friday night, he was told to come in at 8. Then, when he got there, they frowned at him, said, "you've got too many hours; go home" and sent him home.
So, he went yard-sale-ing and what not. I don't mind that he did it, I just wish we all could have gone along. We were asleep, but to go do something like that, we'd have gotten up. Then, later in the day when he wanted to go take the kids to the playground, we got in the car and the car told us it was 102° outside, and we weren't willing to go to the playground when it was that hot. So, we went to get ice cream instead. We were going to go to the library, but decided not to. So, we went to Wal-mart and went home.  Sunday morning, we went to church as usual, and that went fairly well, except that Anna's taken to dumping water all over herself whenever she's offered a sippy cup. (She's not used to the normal variety of sippy cup; hers is shaped like a lion and the tail is the straw.)  Then we went out to eat at Furr's (Think Luby's, except one price).  Anyway, then, the library wasn't open yet, so we didn't go.  We got home, and then didn't stir again, especially since our gaming buddies didn't call us back. 
R didn't feel well last night, so I felt self-obligated to run interference between him and the kids.  Which meant he was in one room and I in the other, him resting, me herding kids around, listening to them get angry at me for something or other.  Made it basically like he was at work, but worse.  Then he got called this morning, and told that although he was sure he was supposed to be there at 9, it was 8, and he'd better get in there... Eh. I appreciate the extra money we're getting by him working so much, but I'd prefer to have a life. Maybe that's impossible for a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) that doesn't drive. Hopefully, small-group will be here tomorrow, although I'm not holding my breath. Will's at school right now, and Anna's sleeping.  I was so frustrated last night, and couldn't express it.... still really can't.  I'm wishing MFI would get started, because then at least,  1. I could be involved, 2. R wouldn't mind working around things like haircuts and dentist appointments...   and I wouldn't feel like I had to butt into his rest/downtime to get to talk to him. 

Ugh.

First it was the GEICO parking lot.
Then, Anna stole it, and it moved up onto the desk.
Now it's the Walmart parking lot.

Aren't toddlers' imaginations fun? ( Click here to see the photo )

R was given a 10 gallon tank and two goldfish, so now we have two pets: Goldy and Silver. I picked those names, because I thought they'd be easy for Will to remember. And, one is orangey-gold, and the other is yellow-whitish. So, they fit.
Yesterday, Will dumped three containers of fishfood into the tank. I wanted to strangle him. Instead, he sat in his chair, I got out as much as I could, which wasn't much, and we changed their water. After, of course, letting said water sit for the proscribed amount of time.
Just now, a friend came to pick up our basket so he can get our Angel Food order. I had had Will go potty, and he came out to see our friend without anything on. Like outside. Oi. Three year olds.

When I was in college, I rode to school with a couple people. One time, one of them and I got to discussing the literature we had to read for English 102. She said they had to read the whole book, and luckily, in my class the teacher just picked two or three stories from each section for us to read. One of the stories we didn't get to was about a lady who lived in a house with yellow wallpaper with flowers on it. She couldn't leave for some reason or another (probably just 50s housewife stuff or something), and the flowers started talking to her. I thought it was an awful story. Now, I understand. It's like that scene in "Star Wars : A New Hope" when they're in the garbage and the creatures just leave. You know something's going to happen, and, boom.... the wals start closing in. I feel like I'm in that.
I know it's only a mile or so to church and to a couple friends' houses, but it's been triple digits in the shade lately, and I can't see that it's good for my kids to be out so long in that heat. If I could drive, this wouldn't be an issue. I could drive to small group. I could drive to choir. I could find a mom's group. I could take them to the library.
As it stands, I haven't been to small group in three weeks or more, and nobody's called to ask why.
I usually make it to choir on Wednesday nights, but that's not guaranteed today because R (who usually has Wednesday off) is working today
We went to Roswell for church, so I lost the connection there. I don't begrudge that, because it was a one time thing. A pastor friend of R's was leaving, and it was her farewell dinner.
I love my children, but there's only so much Will-speak and Anna-babble one can take.
I can't realy call someone and talk about it for a long time like I normally could, because I only have less than half an hour on my phone, and calling through the computer makes it die. I realized how much support I get from my friends on the Cafe, but I haven't been there in a while because it's not worth it to get started with something, only to have the damn computer die before I get involved in anything. Yeah. I'm bitter.
If this is the wilderness... I want to go back.

My son is finally talking in sentences, though barely inteligible to others.
The other day, we were at church and someone was pointing out that Anna has gotten big. She turned around and walked the other way. He grabbed her purse, pulled her back to our table and said, "Lady. Lady! Baby Anna teensy-little!!!" Fairly loudly, too.
Then, Thursday or so, I think, he went outside, and came back inside a short while later screaming. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "Mommy, ladybug bite me!" I had to keep from laughing until we got his ant bites taken care of.
Every moring, if he wakes up before I do, he says, "Mommy, Up! Sunshine up!"

Anna started seriously crawling today. She'd been attempting it for days, and while I wasn't in the room, she actually crawled toward my MIL. She's also pulling herself up to a stand on things, mostly my legs.

We were planning to have a date today, and that didn't work out, so I was somewhat disappointed. However, I did get a nap today, which is why I'm up right now, and now snoozing away like the rest of my clan. R is taking the day tomorrow for himself. I have mixed feelings about that. I know he needs it, but I wish we could have done something this weekend. We did have our gaming buddies over, but even that was a disappointment because we were working on leveling characters. The comp died after one. Ugh. We could have done it manually, but these players haven't played much before, and it's just easier to get it done and make it pretty with the computer program.

Tuesday, I get my teeth out. The two on the right that have been keeping me up all hours of the night for a couple months now. I'm finding there's a strong correlation between days I don't drink enough water and days I'm up most of the night writhing in pain.

I've realized that one thing I need desperately is a good friend. The pweb folks talk about such a friend as "a One." As in 'bosom buddy'. Diana Barry to Anne Shirley. etc. I have acquaintances, but no real close friends. Nobody I could call on a daily or near daily basis and say, "How's your day? My kids spit up on me and ..." I can talk to R, but it's different. Really different. He's got the typical male need to fix things when I tell him they're wrong, although he does understand the power of a good vent. Mom doesn't count, because I can't tell her a lot of things. Like the fact that I game. Or read Harry Potter. Or... any of the stuff I've been thinking about spiritually lately.

I hadn't intended this to be so long, but it's very helpful to sit here and type about all of this. Not only to get it out on screen, so to speak, but to help me coalesce and organize my thoughts.

I've been thinking about a lot of things off and on in my 'Christian walk.' I won't enumerate too much here, just because I'm not sure I'm ready to. But between the diapers, and the dishes and the...little dietails of life, I just know I'm missing something big. It's something I can't find in Western Christianity. I've said this before here, but I don't think I'm getting all I need from the way Americans do church. Maybe I need to find another culture to live in. I love my culture for every reason except this. Maybe if I could find a 'youth church' or something.... but I don't know if they've got the missing piece either. Maybe there is no missing piece and I'm delusional. But I don't think so. I think there's something I'm searching for, and I'm not going to find it through the usual channels. Which makes it a treacherous path, because I don't want to fall into anything that even smacks of deceit.

I'm finally getting a litlte sleepy. So, off to get some more water to drink, and then to bed. Maybe this time, I won't need to almost pour orajel on my teeth. Ugh. I'll be so glad to get those out.

So, today, I've been married five years. This is going to sound really cliche, but in some ways, I can't believe it. In other ways, yeah, it's been that long. Especially when I look at my kids. I've nticed that wer're startying to annoy each other a little, but if it's taken this long, then that's pretty good, I suppose. I mean, we are staying aware of what the triggers are, and that really helps.
Anna's already a keyboard banger and she's on my lap, so that makes life interesting.

Also, tomorrow, I turn 30. I'm not sure what I think of it, except that I'm tired. Of course, that could be dealing with kids, house, sore teeth and everything else going on. My sweet husband got me a slittle MP3 player about a month ago, because it was on sale. He also arranged for us to borrow a ps2 from someone who hasn't used his in a year, so, I'm playing FFX for the first time. Helps me not go so stir crazy. Not quite the same as a social life, but I have a feeling that's on the upswing too. Or I hope.
Anyway, We're planning to go to Roswell or somewhere tomorrow, cuz he's off and it's fun.